Read Upon Inexplicable Death of Neighbors Cats

CATS! They think they live here.  I didn’t buy or adopt a cat. And let’s be honest, who the hell would buy a cat?  You might as well purchase a raccoon.  Side note: the raccoon may be my spirit animal because I have been ripping open bags of Halloween candy after dark lately… I hiss when someone turns on the lights.  Back on point: cats are worthless and my neighbor’s cats have to go.  I’ve tried all of the neighbors gentle suggestions and none of them have worked.  In fact, dousing them with water may have turned them into wet Mogwais, as they have started peeing on our outdoor furniture in addition to their other hot spots.  I take pride in being the first person to have googled, “cat pee in kinetic sand.”  They ruin my children’s playthings and leave their gross, allergy-laden fur all everywhere. Curse them.

There may be a few nice cats out there.  I’ve met them and they purr too loudly. I gingerly pet them and say nice things but treat them like anyone who requires too much attention.  Loud purring, needy cats can live… but not with me. You can keep them along with your litterbox infused home.  The asshole cats next door walk along the fence and stalk our house for places to defecate.   I believe the owners are fed up with them as well.  They are mangy and fat with a latch-key child swagger.   I want to murder them and I don’t care what you think of me unless it involves how I look in a bathing suit.

So how to kill them? Well, I thought I could take off their collars and have them taken to the pound.  But the owners might come looking for them and then I would have tackled two mangy cats for naught.  I thought I could poison their food but what if a good cat or dog found it and died?  Shoot them? Illegal. I checked.  Harpoon them? Too dangerous and probably illegal.  I thought about putting spikes on the ground and then I envisioned them wounding my children. My best plan?  A coyote.  I need to find a coyote to roam our neighborhood for a few days.  Coyotes are a nuisance, yes?  I’m going to make them a solution!  I know they snatch up cute little toy dogs and eat them, so I would say, “I may have seen a coyote the other night.” The neighbors without feral asshole cats could keep a closer watch on their harmless cute dogs whilst my coyote took care of business.

You may send me emails and comment on how horrible you think I am. I love a good fight.  I may not find a coyote, but just imagining those cats getting eaten alive makes my chotchy little heart sing.

I need to add this or else my Mother will disown me.  I would never actually kill someone’s freaking cat. Hi Mom.