Moose Mud May

I was surprisingly sunny after suffering from excruciating neuropathy all over my body (even my eyes, guys… eyes….guys)  that kept me from sleeping most nights, losing the diamond from my engagement ring, being told that I had to temporarily cut out corn, wheat, dairy, tomatoes, or peppers (they tried to add sugar to that list but I said something like “NO!”), all of us contracting hand-foot-and mouth disease from pre-school, having my uterus ablated (burned) because it was malfunctioning, and packing on 10lbs in 2 weeks from the post-surgery hormones. We decided to… oh I forgot to add that I lost my job after my branch was dissolved (like Jellooo). Anyway, I was still happy after all the above mud that was smeared into my face… after I fell down… and was kicked…there was music playing and I don’t like Country. But seriously, WHAT DID I DO?? I hadn’t written in forever because that part of me was shut down for repairs. My surface self was surprisingly light. A wallower, I am not.  I was on my way to Montana (heart) with my sweet husband, two hilarious kids, and not my dog but he’s coming with us this summer.  My nerves are healing. I can eat everything but wheat again. Whatever. Happy.

As we took off towards… the zit! I forgot to tell you that I had a monstrous zit on my face. There were 6 alpacas, a guide, 2 tourists, and a yurt on my cheek calling to base camp for provisions.  It was an intensely large zit.  During our long trip to Montana (off season flights are longer) I had put this dark brown mud mask on it by mixing the clay powder with what ever water was around. Yes. That’s right, I put mud on my face on an airplane and talked to people like, “what? Did you drop acid?”

Naturally, when arrived in Montana, I realized that I had forgotten Wallace’s car seat.  Should we rent one? Too expensive.  We were a one income family now and I needed to do my job and save us money.  So, we decided to buckle Wallace in tightly and head to the Target up the road to buy one which is cheaper than renting one and we get to keep it! As Joe drove (he feels the need to drive all the time and I think it’s because I once told him that I get confused with “all the lines”) we all relaxed a bit from the hectic travel. I smeared half of my face with clay that I mixed inside a water bottle. Cue flashing lights.  It’s been a million years since either of us has been pulled over for a speeding ticket and yet, somehow, here we were.  Wallace was without car seat so I did what every person would do and I threw them the red Delta blankets from my backpack (I’m jobless and pudgy and backpacks are where I’m at right now) and ordered them to pretend to be asleep.  So they did.  In a very Buster Keaton type way.  Smith immediately tossed his head back dramatically and closed his eyes. Wallace did the same except one eye was open and he was fake snoring very loudly.  Yes. Yes that’s it, boys. The policeman walked up as I’m saying, “what the hell is wrong with my life?!” And my face looks like a sad recreation of Braveheart. And my toddler looks like he’s just coming out of a seizure.  We were ticketed for going 15 miles over the speed limit in a speed trap which is better than going to jail for mud masking and child abuse. As Joe drove away, I started to laugh.  Like Sophia from The Color Purple laugh. I laughed so hard that tears came and I hoped they stayed happy. Sophia home now.

Life ebbs and flows in ways I cannot control.  I’m coming out of an ebb, I suppose.  How fun would a big booty be if I couldn’t knock my kids down with it or send pics of my stomach hanging over my jeans to all my friends? Even in the dark, and there is dark, I just sit in it and wait.  Because there could be a one-eyed toddler fake sleeping in the dark. If I were not up in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t have seen 8 elk walking in front of my window like they were doing it just for me.  When things are bad and they get worse what can you do? You wait there in the dark. Because it’s just darkness. It may kill you.  There could be monsters.  But what if there aren’t any?  Who cares what’s IN the dark if you can’t see it?  Life tries to get me down and it does sometimes because I’m human but it never lasts long because dammit if everything isn’t so funny and gorgeous out there.

It snowed for two days in Montana the day after we were wearing shorts and flip flops. I LOVE snow. So I sledded in May. I also made friends with a moose that I ran by in the mornings by the river. He liked me. Until he thought I was charging him. We have to hold still in the dark and wait for light to come.  Chances are it will shine brighter than before through mud colored glasses.

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